sometimes. everything, is just. Too. Damn. Much.
maybe not everything. but that's really what it feels like. or maybe, that's just what i feel like. sometimes, i feel every little thing at 10x the intensity than i should. could be something trivial, like, not returning a friend's call immediately, because when they called, you were in the middle of something. and then it just sits there. in the back of your head. what if they called for something important? you know they'd have called back if it really was something urgent. but you feel it anyway. like you let them down.
if you think about it, that, is just. one. tiny. thing. singled out from every other thing that happens in a day.
you wake up. because you had to, not because you're ready to. not refreshed. and so you feel like you've already let your body down before the day's even started. your body's probably just telling you to take it easy that day. but you feel like you failed it. because you didn't sleep at the right time. because you never do. because there's always something.
and because you feel everything this intensely, there are days you try to feel nothing at all. just to give yourself a break. just to let your yourself breathe. just to cut out all the noise. except you can't actually do that. because things don't stop happening. time doesn't stop. nothing stops. everything goes on. and so, you must too.
so, what happens when you've felt too much? for too long? the muscle, surprise surprise, gives out. not in the form of a breakdown. not a dramatic moment. just. numb. like a muscle that's been hit too many times in the same place. it hardens. goes cold. stops functioning the way it used to. and then it takes a while to defrost. because it's frozen now. that warm heart of yours has buried itself under so many layers. just to survive. save itself.
and to defrost it? you give. you give everything you have, to the people that bring this warmth. because you know, somewhere in you, that it's slowly healing you. so you give and give and give and keep these people close and always have someone around because the alternative is silence. and in the silence there's nothing to hold onto. and honestly, that scares the living shit out of you. even staying still for a few minutes feels soo uneasy. incapable of even.
it's actually like 'day' and 'night'. during the day, your people can be around. noise is around. you can function. somehow. you feel "okay" even. but at night... you have to pull through aaaallll by yourself. and sometimes you go to bed, not knowing how. sometimes you go to bed, hoping for a dream that doesn't feel this heavy. hoping to wake up somewhere that isn't, this... in-between place. this 'limbo'. this 'going in circles with no idea where it starts and where you begin'.
i mean, i know, i didn't just wake up one day feeling like this. it was compilation. a showreel of a million little things, that slooowly hardened that muscle. and then the thaw. and then the hardening again. and then the thaw. i've never been in a more vicious circle (she types, as she thinks to herself that this is exactly what hell must feel like, lmao.)
i don't know if i'll ever fully break free from it. or wake up from that dream (i mean i do love to sleep)
but i'm going to go to bed now, hoping i wake up, to a little bit of warm daylight.
good night...
...from the upside down.
xo