so,
i had a thought. and then i did something about it. xD
i asked my close people, my actual close bitches, to tell me what i'm like. in their eyes. i.e,
and WOW the versions. i was right that they'd all see me slightly differently. but what i wasn't prepared for, was how different their picture was from the one i had in my head. you now know the question...
but let me back up a bit here.
because, something about the past few weeks had me wondering how well my friends actually know me. if any of them know the whole version. all of me. maybe that's a level of vulnerability and intimacy only a partner could aspire to, (and honestly should) but even something that comes close to it, is still a profound kind of knowing. for whoever they are. for what shaped them. for how far they've come, or haven't, lol.
and i kept coming back to this thought. that, we are an absurd amalgamation of versions of ourselves with different people. nobody that is close to you knows all the same versions of you. because who you are with someone depends on way too many things. when you met, where you met, where each of you were at that point in life, what brought you together, how much you've shown (maybe even for each other). and either some or all of that shapes what you talk about today. or maybe your connection has evolved from some of these things to many of these things. maybe even the other way around. none of the combinations is the right or a perfect set. they just are. they changed with time. just like each of us.
i think i understood this a long time ago. because someone i'd known for years, randomly one day said to me, "you've changed a lot." and all i could think was, how, 'a lot changed me'.
and that applies to all of us. for better or worse. (i know, sounds like vows. ew? right.)
but here's the thought that actually got me.
the one that made me pick up the phone and ask.
if you lost your memory, who would you trust to tell you who you are? not who would show up. not who would claim you. who would you actually trust to give you an honest picture? your values. your heart. the way you treat people when nobody's watching. and some of us would struggle to name that person(s). because we've been so many versions of ourselves, for so many different people, that nobody has the full picture. including us, sometimes.
and what might be even scarier... would you like who they described?
so i dared myself to ask.
and the answer, apparently, had nothing to do with whoever i thought i was. whatever i thought i was lacking. however much i thought i was flawed. the low points didn't define me the way i was sure they had. t'was all love. and that almost made me cry. because for the first time, not just as a feeling i carried quietly, but in actual words when i asked, but more so in actions over years. i hadn't been counting, but i've felt it.
truly, unconditional. i just hadn't thought to look at it this way before.
so, maybe none of my friends know all of me. but, they all know some of me. when you put it all together, its like a gawd damn mirrorball. each version of you not only exists but shines through. and as a whole, these versions are quite the motion picture, in the making. <3
i was always grateful for the kind of people i have in my life. but this. ptch, more than a blessing.
okay byeee xo